My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
