proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
