Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
