I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
