I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
