Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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