I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
