I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
