no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
