but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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