god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
