Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
