How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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