shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
