That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
