I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
