i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
