the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
