WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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