some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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