i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
