At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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