I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
