the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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