she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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