Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
my liver is dry heaving
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
