I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
