When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i dont even know how to be here
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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