It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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