My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
