if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
