I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
