Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
