So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
