He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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