Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
