I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You have to summon your inner elephant
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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