So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
