never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
