i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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