There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
