This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
