i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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