Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
