About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
