You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
