Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
