If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
