Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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