I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
